Hi, I'm @arazgholami, Programmer, Blogger and Explorer.I create things and make them better. I'm a repairer, not replacer.I love to transform complex things to simple things.

Symphony of Migration: First Movement | Before the Flight
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“Happy the day I leave this ruined home.”

Six months after finishing my military service (https://arazgholami.com/end-of-story/) and everything I learned from it (https://arazgholami.com/what-i-learned-in-military-service/), and after countless attempts (https://arazgholami.com/fail/) to start something to stabilize my financial situation kept hitting dead ends, I was finally forced, after years of resisting leaving, to accept and succeed and begin a major change (https://arazgholami.com/creative-destruction/).

An hour later, the real thought and feeling of leaving—the kind that, despite years of thinking about it, suddenly triggered repeated panic attacks I had no idea or preparation for—hit me, and the ensuing trance forced me to close my eyes. After an undefined period, my phone rang, and in a half-asleep state, I started speaking without noticing the unusual area code. At first, I thought it was a friend joking with me, but when they explained how and why they were contacting me, things got serious.

Several interviews with them convinced us that we could be useful to each other. The following days were spent in consultations and sharing experiences with former friends, and finally, with coordination of my residence and approaching ticket purchase, the process became more serious than ever, and the panic intensified to the point I felt I had to choose between drowning and burning.

I’m not inexperienced in migration or living elsewhere, but this matter was more than just leaving a city, family, or friends. Two weeks after settling in Shiraz, a dream pushed me to drive 1,500 kilometers straight to Tabriz. My panic stemmed from the possibility of repeating these feelings and the impossibility of returning. Leaving, in a sense, meant breaking an inner bridge behind me (https://arazgholami.com/bridges/), even if it appeared intact. Leaving equals not returning. It equals the end of everything, every good and bad experience in the homeland.

The next day, I decided to take control of my panic. I told myself it wasn’t true, that whenever I wanted, the only barrier to returning was buying a ticket. I recalled my tougher, more thrilling experiences and forced myself to compare them to the conditions awaiting me. The result was acceptable, and that panic transformed into just a bit of homesickness.

Two days before the flight:
I bought the ticket and now know that early Friday morning, I’ll leave Tabriz for Istanbul with Turkish Airlines. The feeling I have now is similar to when I shaved my head for the military. Until that moment, I couldn’t believe what was happening, but afterward, I realized this is serious—I’m really leaving. Everything felt like a dream until the ticket was in hand; now it’s real. Tomorrow, I’ll handle the last financial and legal tasks and pack my suitcase by night. But I have no idea what I’ll do on the last day.

One day before the flight:
I barely slept that night, and panic hit first thing in the morning, assuring me of a tough day ahead. Despite intense stress and bizarre restrictions, I managed to handle legal work, exit fees, and currency exchanges by evening, and now my body has finally made it home as I write this.

Twelve hours before the flight:
Suitcase packed, backpack ready, songs on my phone queued for a relatively long flight. I said goodbye to my friends but still couldn’t part from my family. Every ten minutes, I’d go sit with them and breathe in their presence. Exactly this absurd.

One hour before the flight:
At the transit hall. My final panic made me jump around like a headless chicken. I didn’t hold back any embarrassment. My parents and three friends came to the airport to see me off. The previous sadness was just a misunderstanding.

Moment of the flight:
This is my last note on Iranian soil. If the plane goes missing, this is its photo. Please find it and get me out safely.

    
    Migration


Related:
Symphony of Migration: Second Movement | First Days in Turkey (/symphony-of-migration-second-movement)

Wednesday 02:22 PM, 09 May 2018
Share: https://arazgholami.com/symphony-of-migration-first-movement

- saleh ** at *Saturday 07:31 PM, 30 August 2025*:
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