Owed to Myself
When I left Iran in May, I didn’t bring my hard drive. I didn’t want to give myself the slightest opportunity to dwell on the past. I wanted every new moment to connect to the present, not regret or nostalgia. It was a good idea. Eight new months were recorded in my mind, not eight months of reviewing the past.
This time, when I went to Iran, I bought a new hard drive, if only for the tools and source files of my previous projects, and copied all the data from the old drive. Thanks to this, I regained access to my life’s archive—all the photos I had systematically organized from 10–15 years ago. Naturally, this had consequences—feelings I cannot explain to anyone. But if I try to write them down:
I owe myself. I owe 15-year-old Araz his 15th year. I owe 16-year-old Araz his 16th year, and so on, up to now. I owe the present, the "now." I owe my current self for not investing in the future, for not pursuing what I want.
At 21, I dealt a devastating emotional blow to myself and turned my entire life upside down. I didn’t let go. I didn’t forgive myself. I gained certain things, yes, but I lost things whose regret will stay with me for life.
I owe myself a circle of friends that isn’t toxic. I owe myself a friend I can truly rely on. I owe myself a love where every second belongs to me. I owe myself a movie where I am the main character, not the third. I owe myself answers to questions I wasn’t before. I owe myself for not saying “don’t go.” I owe myself for not watching departures from the top of stairs and bridges. I owe myself a May without the fear of loss. I owe myself a June where my life doesn’t shatter in hours. I owe myself a birthday that isn’t filled with grief for God’s sake. I don’t owe myself Shams, because I’ve seen and touched Shams. I owe myself Rumi.
I owe myself a migration where I am embraced without worrying about what to do if my visa isn’t renewed. I owe society a sense of belonging and ownership. I am completely buried in my debts.
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در عین بدهکاری، نوعی از طلبکاری داریم..... طلب هامون تازه سر وا کرده یه نکته هوشمندانه وجود داره، این طلب به دو سر طیف کشیده نه........... انتقام - ناکامی و خودخوری. مث یه مارزخمی خطرناک مسخ . هم خودمون ر ونیش بزنیم هم هر رهگذری را.
متوجه نشدم.
کجاش رو؟
و از نظر من زمانی را که برای نوشتن بدهی هات به خودت گذاشتی هم به خودت بدهکاری. به نظرم شبیه اینه که من نگران بشم که چرا اغلب اوقات نگرانم یا غمگین بشم که چرا غمگینم
وقتی ما به خودمون بدهکاریم طلبکار هم خودمون هستیم طبعا. اما برای من، "انتقام – ناکامی و خودخوری. مث یه مارزخمی خطرناک مسخ . هم خودمون ر ونیش بزنیم هم هر رهگذری را." نیست، برای همین هم دارم پست تکمیلیش رو می‌نویسم.
آدم در زمان خوشحالی و فراغت درگیر این نمیشه که چرا ناراحته یا نگرانه. وقتی ناراحته و ناراحتیش داره کش میاد میگه وات د فاک ایز رانگ؟ و این پست رو می‌نویسه ولی چون نمیشه همینطوری موند، درحال نوشتن پست تکمیلیش هم هست. یه راه برای برطرف کردن همه‌ی این حس‌ها. بروزرسانی: تاثیر کتابی که این اواخر خوندی کاملا تو کامنتت مشهود هست.
حمله به درون و برون ، هر دو شکننده ست..... خودکاوی یه فرایند دلنشینه